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When You Don't "Feel Like" Fucking...

You know those nights, when you're not in the mood, or you're tired or you just don't feel sexy? When your partner makes an advance on you and you'd rather do anything else but?


Your denial hurts a little and brings a disconnect to your relationship in that moment. Of course you shouldn't just fuck because you're being pressured or your partner is insisting on it, consent is always king. But that moment when you say no to your partner, with one of those standard excuses, is a breaking point for you both.


For them, wounded ego. Denying of pleasure. And potentially, denying them of the connection they are obviously craving.


For you, you feel bad, guilty potentially and unfulfilled. You crave connection, but not THAT, you can't even put into words what you need right now, but it's not getting pounded into oblivion or getting tongued until you feel like there will be no more of you left soon.


Should you fuck if you don't feel like it? Short answer, sometimes. The best sex I have had with Luke has been when I am not "in the mood". In fact, when did we need to be "in the mood" to do something? It's like waiting for motivation to strike. It doesn't. You have to take action and then the motivation comes.


When you aren't in the mood, but choose to surrender and just be present with the process, it can make for the most calm, in flow love making sessions. When there are no expectations and the pressure is taken off, you have space to explore, to be creative and to focus on just being with your partner, not getting to an end result.


If you don't want to fuck, what are you actually craving...

Alone time?

Or connection without the pressure, without the expectation that comes from fucking?


For me mostly, it's the latter. And if it is alone time I need, I will say it (note, not ask for it, I'll announce it and then take action...If you can't do that in your situation, that is a whole other blog I need to write).


An intimate relationship doesn't mean always sexy times. Yes, the importance of sex cannot be denied. In any relationship, but especially intimacy in marriage, is really vital to the success and sustainability of your partnership.


Intimate connection doesn't have to be always about sex. In fact, I don't think it should always be about sex. Take orgasm off the table too, and make it about a deep connection between two (or more) people. THAT is what will fill your cup, that is what will recharge your energy.


What does intimacy mean for you? For me, it means naked cuddles, massage, holding each other, laying in Luke's arms or on his chest or when Luke puts his head in my lap. It means deep, present conversations over dinner or when we get dressed up and hold hands whilst walking into our favourite restaurant.


What does intimacy mean for you? And what does it mean for your partner? It's important for you both to weigh in on what fills your love cup (go and listen to our podcast on the love languages for more on this).


Identify when you don't want to have sex, what you actually need and want. Take a moment, go and journal or meditate if you will, but really take a moment to dig into it.


No judgement, just be curious around why you do not want to connect with your partner. Could there be an opportunity for some self work, do you simply need to talk and not touch or do you desire to connect in a different way?


Once you figure this out and can confidently communicate this to your partner, it's a GAMECHANGER. No more weird avoidant conversations around why you don't want to fuck, no more excuses (unless they are absolutely your truth, Luke has told me he has been too tired for sex before and that's when I knew it was real) and no more desires being unmet.


The cool thing is, if your partner still needs that sexual release, you can encourage them to explore that on their own, or with others if you are in an open relationship, or with you if you want to provide the pleasure, just not be part of the action.


Everyone's needs are met, everyone is feeling connected and your relationship grows and blooms because of it!


If you're not in a relationship, you can use this strategy when dating too, Don't feel pressured to go straight to the bedroom if you're not ready.


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